TIMEBOMB

TIMEBOMB

As I wait for the electric heater

to heat

as I wait for it to come and rescue me from

madness

as I wait

for a miracle

I can hear that thing buzzing

plugged to a socket that its becoming carbonized after using it

15 times

but you dont say that in a poem, a poem must be perfect and short

10 celsius outside

12 inside

my mother used to beat up my father's polio legs

with a rolled-up magazine

and after they separated

my father didnt touch a woman never againb until he 

died in the 2000's

so

is this about numbers my darling

time pases milliseconds after millisencods

and this thing in my chest by the right side of my heart grows

like the deep hate that I feel 

about the mediocrity of my endless hours

endless shall I dare to say and sudden shall I soon die

first 

there were the toys

then it was down here at my doorstep

the police beating up the niggers trying to sell fake

gold watches

I like them niggers

they dream like I dream

they dream big

they live big

they lose big

they travelled big distances

their freedom is big

and their fall will be big when the small times come

not to mention the cops

oh those tiny little blue pieces of turd

thats what you get for not going to college

a blues suit and a little dick and little gun

and i feel glad that the police are afraid of them

actually their are frightened by them

they envy them

they fear their guts and their endurance

they fear their inherent nobility and freedom

their balls and their big fists with big knuckles

oh, by the way

the water heater isnt working properly

why wouldnt it work nice just a little bit for me

look at this body look at my lungs look at the

necrosis at the side of my left yellow foot

i set it crushed under my thigh 

I'm crawled up on my own beer cancer belly

the city sleeps and doesnt know about me and I barely know about them

or I do so want myself to believe I dont know nothing

about anybody

thats how you get to wake up in the morning for one more day

you pretend you idiot you

pretend you are not a timebomb

you say: its alright, I can take it for a little longer

the humiliation of poverty

the bad food and the bad tap water

burning your stomach and making you sick

I vomited six times this morning and now I feel peachy

I remember my gradma praying silently at night

in a mute letany - after she took her bra off and put her nightgown

on

and then the holes in the wall started appearing all over the house

walls painted a gentle brown

a peaceful hippie dream sand-like colour

we as a family started dripping blood and mental illness way before 

we knew about incomplete cardboard happiness

we stood up against our luck

for a good thirty years

and after all we went thru

the bad winters, the easy to go money the broken toys

my father having a pills panic attack frozen in his single bed

telling me not to go to sleep

please dont go to sleep, join me up, he would say

stay with me

I was 5

it doesnt fuck you up after forty years of still

having it right in the center of the cornea of your soul

its empowering I say

my frozen toes and the incapacitating hate in my brain

early in the morning gunshots

the pandemic obligatory love-in

they can suck my fucking dick

I cant even remember the reason why three days ago

I wanted to be dead

and the lights are dim because of the heater's wattage intake

it actually sucks light, I say, it is draining me out, that little fucker

I got my mother's legs and my father's chicken heart

all those milicos that refuse to die have grandsons now

some of them rich

some of them poor

some of them

sixty somethings  dating twenty something clean pussies

hidden under aliases

comunicating radar from radar

messages in codes and

how would you feel about it knowing it

holly shit, where is the hot water

cause something is cooking and it might be me

I may cook you

beware

I live in an electric shithole

got a big chip on my shoulder

and got pretty lonely and safe for them all

until.